Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mental Breakdowns

Twelve years old going on thirteen, almost one-thousand miles away from my home, waiting for a Second Heart Transplant in Denver, while practically living in the Ronald McDonald House. I had a perfectly reasonable reason to 100% mentally, physically, and emotionally break-down, once in awhile! Every time one of these events struck me, I would be sobbing on the bed, my dad besides me, trying to calm me down, but letting me cry out all my fears and feelings suffocating me since the beginning of my terror. Before I received my transplant, I remember being left alone in our easily claustrophobic room, and that's all it took. Leaving me alone with my thoughts. Once my dad came back from talking on the phone for an hour, he found me laying on my stomach on the bed, crying softly to myself. After he asked, "What's wrong?" and realized how red and puffy my entire face was, I let everything out!

It's all a bit blurry now, I was crying so hard,  but I remember feeling like the worst person on the Earth. Wishing I didn't have to go through this horrific experience, wishing I could just see my friends again, wishing I didn't have to deal with a pic-line in my arm, wishing a second transplant was just completely out of the question, thinking I was actually in a never ending nightmare... My reality.

My mind was so confused and messed with, I didn't want to believe I was the girl chosen to go through this. Doctors appointments every week with my nurse practitioner, blood draws more than once a week, 24/7 pic-line, and the cardiac floor at Denver Children's Hospital was my home away from RMH. I tried to look on the bright side, but there's only so many positive thoughts you can think of, when you're still living off your second failing heart. I felt like my life was hopeless and I would stay depressed until I could move with my life, which seemed impossible at the moment. My goals and aspirations seemed pointless until I was back to where I belong, in AZ. 

Along with my emotions spiraling down a bottomless pit, I also felt EXTREMELY homesick. I haven't seen my friends, my dog, my cat, and my family since April (it's now June). Surprisingly I missed middle school, and absolutely hated the fact that I missed the first day of eighth grade. Eighth grade was supposed to be my year to feel superior from everyone else in the school,  for I am moving on to high school and will soon be back to the starting line as a pathetic freshman. 

After ranting on, and on to my dad, how I wish my life ended up differently, if only I was normal. I finally chillaxed by eating chocolate ice cream till 11pm, and watching Harry Potter until I fell asleep. Waking up to find myself STILL waiting at the RMH! 

Please appreciate your life! You never realize how good you have it until it collapses right in front of your eyes. Spend as much time with your friends and family and this really has nothing do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anyone... Especially when you're as orange as me. (Fricken Golf. Thank You Sunshine.)


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