Thursday, April 25, 2013

My Modeling Dilemma: The Final Chapter

At the beginning of every year, I like to list new goals and aspirations for the new year. So traditionally, I did so to begin off 2013. One of my goals was to "Become a Model". I'm tall, I'm slender, pretty photogenic and almost everyone I know suggested it to me so I was confident I would be successful in this area. On the other hand, modeling is a very superficial industry and I am the least superficial person. I'm very caring and empathetic towards other people and most of the time I put my friends and family before myself (most of the time ;). I'm comfortable with the way I look but my self esteem can fluctuate by simple comments.

In the end of January, I went to my first modeling interview with a local agency. Without getting too far into detail, I'll just say it was very hypercritical and by the end I was ready to hide under the covers and cry. The only thing I learned out of this interview is how much I really DO NOT want to model. Sure, it would be fabulous to be fashionable all the time and somehow bring awareness towards organ donation and heart disease but on the flip side, I would also be under graded all the time and I would never feel good enough.

I just bragged about how comfortable I am in my own skin. It sounds a bit hypocritical of me to say that when I hardly leave the house not wearing makeup. I can change myself but I can't change how evilly judgmental the outside world is. Modeling just takes judgment to a whole new level and I rather be happy to be who I am than be degraded all the time.

A couple weeks after the interview I had an idea to revolutionize the modeling industry by giving everyone a chance, including the underdog's, to become a model by creating my own modeling agency. Unlike, your everyday fashion magazine it would focus more on awareness campaign's that deserve its lime light. However, I'm sixteen and I know absolutely nothing about the industry or how to even run an agency. It's a good idea but I'm not interested in running my own business. If it's still something I wish to achieve,  maybe in the far future.

I have now come to my final conclusion:

I'm sure if I was persistent and had enough ambition towards modeling, I would be successful in the field. However, modeling just isn't what I want to pursue in, not to mention it's the complete opposite of who I am.    There's a reason I go to a technical school dissecting brains and not an acting school strutting the runway. I rather pursue as a nurse than a model and to be honest, I have more respect for the ladies in scrubs than the ladies in heels.

Besides, I don't need 6 in. heels to be an individualist. My scar gives me enough individuality.

Guess I'll just be a self employed narcissist, oh well.
I love it when my scar is visible in pictures :)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Blood Pressure of an Eighty Year Old Man

Today, I thought I would list as many awkward moments, embarrassing accounts,  inconveniences or just "good times" I've experienced throughout my life as a heart transplant patient. Maybe some of you can relate to me whether you're a transplant patient, a heart disease patient or you're just completely "normal" and some of my encounters has happened to you at your yearly check up... or employment screening. Psh, I don't know what normal people go to the doctor for...

1. One time I went to my pediatric clinic for one of those regular check up's and I was forced into a paper gown. After I changed into the gown, we waited for my pediatrician... and waited, and waited and after what felt like an hour he finally entered. He told me to stand up so he can thoroughly examine me. I casually stood up, looked behind me and there was a puddle of blood on the exam table.

I got my period while waiting on my doctor. Great... On the bright side, I got to keep the gown.

2. Sometimes when I tell people about my transplant their reaction is to relate it to something that it irrelevant. I don't know why people do this, maybe it's to make me feel better? Maybe it's to be empathetic? Either way, every time this happens it begins to get uncomfortable and quite awkward...

Me: "I've had two heart transplants"
"Wow, I've had... the flu"
Me: "Oh... glad you survived?"

3. Whenever I'm getting my vitals taken at a regular cardiology appointment my blood pressure decides to sky rocket. The normal blood pressure rate is 120/ 80 so when a nurse see's a blood pressure of 164/ 96 from a 16 year old they become baffled and take my blood pressure at least five more times on each arm and leg...

4. When people mistake my scar for cleavage...

5. When specifically men ask about my scar, I tell them what happened and there's a brief awkward silence leading to me being reassured they were admiring my necklace and NOT staring at my chest.

6. Reactions when I tell my family I'm going in for a procedure/ surgery:

- Good Luck
- Bless your soul child
- Get well soon
- You're in my thoughts and prayers

Reactions when I tell my friends I'm going in for a procedure/ surgery:

- What if the surgeon leaves the scalpel inside you after your sown up?
- What's your computer password in case you die?
- Am I in your will?
- Can I have some of your blood? O__O

7. Occasionally I will get the slightest chest pain and freak out for a second and begin to think, "Oh no, don't fail me now heart!"

8. After I tell people about my two heart transplants they become fascinated about the subject which I love because it means their curious so I'm happy to enlighten anybody about the heart, heart disease, or organ donation. But when it get's to the point where someone is lacking pretty common knowledge it get's extraordinarily frustrating to dumb medical terms down for any doorknob to understand.

9. Mosquito bites on my scar. Almost as bad as a mosquito bite under your knee, on the excess skin on your elbow or behind your ear...

10. Believe it or not but many people have accused me of making up my transplant story for attention. It's even worse when I get these oblivious comments from teachers and security guards...

11. If I'm not "seeking attention" than I'm apparently negligent. I don't brag about my condition for one reason; to avoid the questions. I'm happy to answer questions just... not the stupid ones like, "Were you awake during the surgery?", "When is your next transplant?", "Did it hurt?", "When will you die?"

I don't know, when will you going to die??

12.  Milking the heart transplant card to get out of something (usually at school)... Sometimes I'm thankful for my condition.

You know you would too.

13. When I was about eleven years old, I was once again unconscious in ICU. Someone else must have been controlling my brain and coordination because I ended up punching a nurse in the face. According to my parental's, apparently she was quite annoying and deserved it.

14. Sometimes when people ask me about my scar I make up ridiculous stories like "Oh, I got attacked by a bear" or "I just got bit by a shark". I had heart surgery you doofus, what else could it be from?

15. Portable Heart Monitors. Almost just as bad as the actual surgery itself.

16. When a nurse blames my veins after her third attempt at an ivy -_-

17. I have a scar from a drainage tube from when I was a baby. It's close to my bellybutton and it caves in like one. I love to tell people it's my second bellybutton and most of the time they believe me and think it's the coolest thing ever... until they ask me if I can have kids... than I don't know really know how to respond.

18. You know you've stayed in the hospital long enough when you're better at unhooking yourself from the heart monitor than your nurse...

19. I used to be in love with the song, "Damaged" by Danity Kane in middle school along with every other girl in my chorus class. I thought it was just a super catchy heart break song at the time but after listening to it again recently I realized all the heart break metaphors sound more like transplant metaphors...

Here's a snipit of the lyrics:

Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound? Tell me
Are, are, are you, are you patient, understanding?
'Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I

I tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me
Baby, baby this situation's driving me crazy
And I really wanna be your lady
But the one before you left me so

Damaged, damaged, damaged, damagedI thought that I should let you knowThat my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged, damagedAnd you blame the one beforeSo how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?

... I had no taste in music back then.

20. Having to throw away stuffed animals due to massive blood stains from inside the operating room :(

R.I.P. Mr. Snuggles

21. Offered the health pass at Disneyland to buzz by all the long lines for almost every ride! Woot woot!

There are many, many more instances but it's getting late and I should probably wrap it up. Hopefully it was relative or at least, fun to read. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! Good-night peaches <3